


Best Self

by KimliPan



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Canon Compliant, Depression, Established Relationship, Illustrated, Journaling, M/M, One Shot, Poetry, Post-Canon, Riku (Kingdom Hearts) Has Issues, Trouble Sleeping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-03-05
Packaged: 2019-11-12 11:53:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18010445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KimliPan/pseuds/KimliPan
Summary: Sora wakes up and Riku isn't in bed. When he goes to find him, he learns what Riku's been doing at night when he can't sleep.





	Best Self

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so my headcanon Riku does n o t know how to handle all of the trauma he faced throughout the series. As an adult to try and cope, he turns to journaling. This is just a one-shot of me playing with that headcanon. Also, I commissioned a BREATHTAKINGLY GORGEOUS piece of art to go with the fic from @UltySo (see it on: [Twitter](https://twitter.com/UltySo/status/1102326802830118913) or [Tumblr](http://ultyso.tumblr.com/post/183198060220/commission-for-kimlipan-on-ao3-interested-in-a)).
> 
> The other major things to note: This is un-beta'd, and also I AM NOT A POET. I do not write good poetry! I couldn't even write a villanelle for school, but I wrote a got dang villanelle for my soft white-haired perfect angel son. Please do not be too hard on the poetry, I am Not Good at it.

Sora took in a big, deep, slow breath and let it out with a bellowing yawn while he scratched his exposed belly under the bright moonlight pouring in through a gap in their hastily closed curtains. A quick glance at the sky told him it was still early enough for him to get plenty of sleep so, contented by this, he closed his eyes once more and rolled over to wrap his arm around Riku’s waist and steal his warmth. 

When his arm was meant to fall against his boyfriend’s body, however, it fell flat against the mattress. 

“Huh?” 

He opened his eyes and sat up. The bed was messy with the blanket pushed back where Riku got up. Sora flopped over to Riku’s side of the bed to glance over and check where – yep, Riku’s slippers were gone.  

Sora...  _could_ just wait for him. He considered this against the cool air of the room and the warmth of the blankets. It was possible he was just in the bathroom... But it wouldn’t be fair to stay put, he decided.  

If Riku was having trouble sleeping again, it would be just like him to keep it from Sora this time, too.  

Out he climbed from Riku’s side of the bed, scratching the hair at the nape of his neck as his bare feet slid across the ground, dragging with each step. His hair was thick and clumpy from product, but he’d come to actually like how it felt between his fingers and the way washing it out in the morning felt so good. Much to Riku’s protest, he almost always slept without washing his hair out. 

“Riku?” he called into the hallway while he pushed the door open. No answer, but he began to shuffle his way toward the light at the end of the hallway where he found Riku sitting at their shared desk, sitting over a journal with a pen, writing too intently to notice anything around him.  

Not to mention, he had a pair of headphones that was plugged into his gummi phone, so he didn’t hear Sora either as he said his name again, this time softer. 

“Riku...” he breathed, feeling an ache in his heart at the somber concentration in his face.  

So he  _was_  having trouble sleeping again. 

He went into the kitchen to get a glass of water.  

When he came back and placed it by his side, Riku looked up with startled, wide, bright green eyes. He grabbed his headset and dropped them to his shoulders with a breathy, “Sora!” before hurriedly closing his journal. 

“Trying to be the tough guy, huh?” he asked as he pulled a chair over and took a seat beside him. 

The shock had worn off. Riku just looked tired now, down to his tank top and boxers and bare bones, it seemed. He did the thing again where he pursed his lips as if to say,  _I can’t tell you_ , to which Sora replied, 

“Care to talk about?” 

Riku lifted his headphones from his shoulders and placed them on the desk, sighing without actually looking Sora’s way.  _He wants to talk_ , Sora  knew this to be true,  _but he doesn’t know what to say_. 

He reached out and put a hand on Riku’s journal. When Riku didn’t protest, he asked, “What’s this? I haven’t seen you using it before.” 

“I’ve been... writing,” Riku said. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to hide it.” 

“Writing?” Sora ignored the second part. “That’s amazing! Is it all about our adventures?” 

“Yes,” said Riku. Then, “Well, sort of. Mine. Not really. I-” He cut himself off. Bare bones. Sora never knew what was the right thing to say to help him anymore. Did he ask for more information, or was it meant to be private? These were things Riku learned when they were younger – introspection, reading people, learning to balance neediness with someone else’s boundaries. Sora was only recently coming to learn them as an adult. 

“Can I have a look?” he asked.  

Riku placed a hand over Sora’s and looked into his eyes, and Sora felt his heart swell with love at the look of courage on Riku’s face. It was intimate and tender the way he held the contact and lifted the journal free of Sora’s hand.  He fingered through the pages, stopping on one in particular which he began to read aloud: 

> A pulse of a heart and an eternity of ache,   
>  Engulfed in that power which has no grace.   
>  No more second thoughts; his heart must wake. 
> 
> Trapped in that darkness I chose to take   
>  A waking breath, and then I brace   
>  For a pulse of a heart and an eternity of ache. 
> 
> Despite my weakness and my fears, I break   
>  The hold of that darkness, and, in that place,   
>  No more second thoughts; his heart  must wake. 
> 
> In spite of myself, it is me that they make:   
>  A facsimile, a replica, and we both now both face   
>  A pulse of a heart and an eternity of ache. 
> 
> No more fear of darkness, but make no mistake   
>  That power – that strength and courage – I will embrace    
>  With no more second thoughts; his heart must wake. 
> 
> Because if I fail, my world would break.   
>  So I must protect our sacred place    
>  With a pulse of a heart and an eternity of ache.   
>  No more second thoughts; his heart must wake. 

Sora’s heart pounded as he listened, and he realized when Riku reached the end, “That’s when I was sleeping.” Riku nodded. “You’re writing poetry.” Riku closed the journal over his finger and looked back up.  

“It’s… a little embarrassing,” he said so low that Sora wondered how much courage it took to even admit.  

“That’s amazing! I don’t know of anyone else…” He began to trail off when Riku’s eyes shot down.  

“Can I read you another?” 

“Of course!” Said Sora without even a moment of hesitation. “Please!” 

Riku opened the journal to another page and began to read.  

> I wish I could remember what I said then,   
>  My hand, your shoulder,   
>  Your tears, my tight chest. 
> 
> _Be your best self_. 
> 
> Those weren’t the words but the meaning,   
>  And you heard what I meant, taking on new,   
>  Bigger, stronger demons – bigger than me.  
> 
> Always your best self.  
> 
> If I could remember, if I could tell myself   
>  The same thing. If I could believe it, believe me,   
>  Believe that this is not as good as it gets.  
> 
> Because you’re your best self 
> 
> But me, I’m still a shadow lost in shadows   
>  Of my own creation.   
>  My chest is tight, and my own words are not enough.  
> 
> _This is my best self_.  
> 
> And I can’t ever trick myself into feeling   
>  Like it will ever be enough – 

When he put the book down, he avoided Sora’s eyes. A silence befell them as Sora searched himself for something to say, other than a whispered “Riku...” that had no effect. 

“I am  _so happy_  I can make you happy,” Riku began, “but – I don’t know how to help myself. I still sit up at night, haunted by my choices. And I know, we were kids, I was a kid, he  _used_ me, and everything I did after, I was trying – if I had been stronger, my heart had been stronger, if I paid attention more-“ 

“Riku,” Sora said more firmly this time, reaching out to take both of his hands. But Riku pulled away and kept going, kept rambling, so Sora said louder, “Riku!” And he grabbed them, pulled them close enough to kiss. “Riku, don’t cry, please don’t cry…”  

“All of it could have been prevented-“ 

“You know that’s not true,” Sora said, he chest tight. He reached out to grab Riku by the biceps, forcing him to look at Sora. “Everything started way before we were ever around.” 

“I mean for _you_ ,” Riku said stubbornly. “If I had resisted the darkness, if my heart was strong enough, the keyblade never would have had to choose you...” 

“But it did,” said Sora. “Because of that promise I made. When we were little, remember? That I would stay by your side.” 

He moved his hands to Riku’s cheeks, cupping his face, using his thumbs to wipe away the damp.  

“I remember every minute of all of it. I always knew it was the wrong path, and yet-“

“Stop,” said Sora, frowning now. “When you talk like that, it hurts you as much as it hurts me.” Riku leaned into Sora’s touch and nodded.  

“The writing helps,” he said. “It slows me down. I don’t think so many things all at once, and then I can come back to you and actually sleep.” 

“That’s great!” Riku nodded. “So... come to bed?” 

Riku nodded again. He gave a small smile and brought his hands up to Sora’s, holding them there for a second before pulling them away to kiss his palms, making Sora blush. “Alright.” Another nod. “Let’s get back in bed.” 

“And then tomorrow,” Sora started as he watched Riku tuck the journal into one of the desk drawers. “You can read me some more?” 

Riku stood up and held a hand out to help Sora back to his feet as well. He put a hand on Sora’s messy bedhead and smiled. 

"It’s a date,” he agreed. 


End file.
